What a world would be like with old fashioned communication tools.
How often do we find relationships to become toxic, manipulative, or unfulfilling – whether it is us or them? We find ourselves frustrated with those closest to us for not meeting us halfway, forgetting to do their share, or failing to recognize our needs. Now bear with me, I’m not trying to have any kind of self-boosting ranting session about how we need to put our foot down and kick the offenders out the door. This is a post about self-awareness and how we perceive those relationships and our expectations from them. And it even includes a theory on how to change our motives and perception of relationships through our relationship with Christ, that I personally found to be a revolutionary concept.
While reading Chapter 7 of The Divine Controversy by Dallas Willard, a quote jumped out at me written by Dietrich Bonhoeffer.
“Human love is directed to the other person for his own sake, spiritual love loves him for Christ’s sake . Therefore, human love seeks direct contact with the other person; it loves him not as a free person but as one whom it binds to itself. . . . It desires to be irresistible, to rule. Human love has little regard for trust. It makes the truth relative, since nothing, not even the truth, must come between it and the beloved person.”
Now what does this mean? What is wrong with “human love”? I myself believe, in congruence with Christian teachings, that human nature is evil by nature. Since the fall of Adam and Eve, we have been separated from God until we are to be redeemed at the Second Coming of Jesus Christ, who died for our sins. So humans are handicapped in their abilities to show love, and thus we have “human love”, which has drastic limitations from what is to be the purest form of love “agape love.” Agape love is selfless, other’s oriented, kind and ultimately Christlike. This kind of love does not come naturally to humanity because we are separated from God.
These limitations are evident in everything we do. We, as humans, cannot separate that we ARE selfish. When we look at our relationships, we automatically assess what they can offer to us. I myself am guilty of imposing expectations on a relationship, only to get hurt when the person does not live up to them. We are quick to drop relationships that are meaningless or not beneficial to us, because we do not see the potential for a return in our investment. Instead we invest in people who are likely to invest in us back.
“Human love has little regard for trust.” Pure agape love requires trust, it requires faith, and this is what Jesus asks of us when it comes to obeying Him. In our relationships, a great deal of conflict comes from our inability to trust. We seem unable to focus on our part of the relationship. Instead we create tests and expectations for the person to match up to in order for them to qualify to be apart of our life. This is not love. Love does not have expectations.
This is just one piece of the puzzle however, and it wasn’t until I read the next paragraph that I was blown away by what was wrong with my perception of relationships. Bonhoeffer continues:
Jesus Christ stands between the lover and the others He loves. . . . Because Christ stands between me and others, I dare not desire direct fellowship with them. As only Christ can speak to me in such a way that I may be saved, so others, too, can be saved only by Christ himself. This means that I must release the other person from every attempt of mine to regulate, coerce, and dominate him with my love. . . . Thus, this spiritual love will speak to Christ about a brother more than to a brother about Christ. It knows that the most direct way to others is always through prayer to Christ and that love of others is wholly dependent upon the trust in Christ.
This ideology urges us to filter all of our actions through God, without maintaining a vice hold on the relationship. When we hold our relationships with others so tightly, not only can this turn into a way of maintaining control over them and the relationship, but it also can separate us from God. We become afraid that God would ask us to separate ourselves from them, and it becomes a barrier between us and God.
When we consider that Jesus is a means to show our love to others, it resolves this issue of controlling our relationships, and it also enables us to think more objectively about the relationship. We are no longer viewing the relationship as directly affecting ourselves, we are able to resolve conflict without reacting or acting out, because we are considering how to love that person through Christ.
This is not a cure-all for conflict – maybe in full commitment it is – but do not become discouraged if you fall back, because as I said, we are human. We mess up, we fail. But just as we ask others to forgive us, forgive yourself, and forgive them, start fresh, and reconnect with how God wants us to love that person. If you find your mind running over all the things they have done to hurt you and you are overwhelmed with negativity, mentally separate yourself from that relationship for a second, and put God in between as your protector and your avenue to show love to that person.
This concept took a tremendous weight off my shoulders as I realized that I have been thinking of my relationship with others and with God as two separate things. Jesus should be that thing that is between you and that person! He is the buffer that allows us to forgive and to love, to let go and not control. Suddenly I felt this peace and I was able to release some of the negativity that had built up in my heart. I hope that this post can give a similar strength to you who are reading! Finally, I will leave you with this:
“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you: not as the world gives, give I to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
John 14:27
Goodnight!
This Little Frenchie 